If Self-Love Feels Out of Reach — This Is Why ..
Why You Still Don’t Feel Self-Love (And What to Do About It)
You journal.
You read the self-help books.
You try to speak kindly to yourself.
But something still feels… off. Like the “love” just won’t stick.
If you’ve ever thought :
“I should love myself by now … but I don’t think I do”
You’re not alone. And you’re definitely not broken; you’ve just been taught a version of self-love that’s built on performance, not presence.
Let’s change that.
The Problem : You’re Loving Yourself Conditionally
(Because that’s how you were loved)
You tell yourself :
— “If I could stop overthinking...”
— “If I wasn’t so anxious all the time...”
— “If I could just get my sh*t together…”
Then I’d love myself.
Then I’d feel enough.
Then I’d be confident.
Sound familiar?
This is conditional self-love — and it’s way more common than you think, especially for those of us raised by well-meaning, but high-expecting Boomer parents.
We learned early on that love had to be earned.
With straight A’s.
With good behavior.
With a smile on our face (even if we were dying inside).
And now? We’re still chasing approval — only this time, it’s from ourselves.
The Truth : Self-Love Isn’t About Being Nicer to Yourself
You’ve heard the advice : “Just be kinder to yourself.”
Which is fine... except being “nice” isn’t the same as being loving.
You can be nice to a stranger. That doesn’t mean you love them. That doesn’t mean you really see them.
Real self-love isn’t about layering kindness on top of shame.
It’s about knowing yourself. Seeing yourself. Staying with yourself — even when things get messy.
That’s what creates emotional safety inside you.
And that’s what makes self-love feel real — not performative.
The Solution : Somatic Self-Knowing
What if the reason you don’t feel self-love… is because you’re trying to think your way into it?
Willing to try something new?
What if you got to know (like really truly, intimately know) the parts of you you usually try to avoid?
The one who feels great desapir. The one who’s not sure she’ll ever get this life right. The one who feels like everyone else has it all figured out and she’s still learning her ABCs.
That’s where somatic self-knowing comes in.
It’s the practice of tuning into your body when one of those “undesirable” patterns shows up — and getting curious instead of critical.
Try This: A New Kind of Self-Love Practice
Next time you notice yourself doing the thing or feeling the way you wish you weren’t, do this :
Pause.
Ask : What does this experience feel like in my body right now?
Is it a tightness in my chest?
A buzzing in my stomach?
A heavy numbness behind my eyes?
Or something else entirely?
Stay with it.
Not analyzing. Not fixing.
Just noticing. A witnessing of sorts.Be with the feeling (instead of trying to outrun it).
That is the love.
You’re not waiting to be perfect to deserve love — you’re learning to hold all of you just as you are.
Want Support Doing This?
This somatic practice is simple — but incredibly powerful.
And if your brain likes to bolt the second discomfort hits? You’re not alone.
To make it easier, I created a free PDF guide to walk you through this exact process.
You can use it anytime you’re stuck in your head or feeling like you’re falling back into old patterns.
👉 ✨ Get it HERE ✨ 👈
Because real self-love doesn’t start with being “nicer” to yourself.
It starts with finally knowing yourself.
And that changes everything.
