How to Speak Up Without Spiraling

Communicate Confidently Without Overthinking or Shutting Down

You know that feeling — you’re about to have THE conversation.

The one you’ve been dreading (but absolutely needs to happen).

The one where you know you need to speak up…
…but you’re already spiraling before a single word comes out.

You’re nervous. And you don’t want to mess it up.

But if you’re honest? You’re not even entirely sure what you want to say.

But you do know this :

If you stay quiet, you’ll walk away angry, bitter, and silently blaming yourself. And you’ve done that dance more times than you can count.

Sound familiar? You’re not alone. So many people — especially those who were taught to prioritize others’ comfort over their own truth (hello Millennials raised by Boomers) — get stuck here. But there is a way out. And it doesn’t involve shouting, stuffing your feelings, or rehearsing a speech in your head for hours.

This post will walk you through how to speak up without spiraling — so you can communicate clearly, calmly, and confidently (even when the conversation feels high-stakes).

Step 1 : Before You Say a Word—Check In With Yourself

What you do before the conversation is just as important as what you say during it.

Here’s your pre-convo checklist :

• Figure out how you feel. Nervous? Frustrated? Sad? Identify it.

• Allow the feeling to exist. Don’t try to push it away or change it. Just observe.

• Don’t make yourself wrong. Emotions are feedback — NOT flaws.

• Safely express the feeling. Cry. Move your body. Say words out loud. Let it move through you before you speak.

By honoring the emotion, you reduce the chance that it will unconsciously hijack the conversation later.

Step 2 : Get to the Heart of What You Want to Say

Before you figure out what you’re going to say, get clear on the essence of what you want to communicate.

Ask yourself these two questions :

1. “If this conversation went as smoothly as possible, how would I want to feel walking away?”

2. Answer this question in one sentence : “what do I want out of this conversation”

Do you want to feel peaceful? Heard? Respected? This helps you uncover the deeper intention behind your words and helps you keep them separate from big emotions.

Once you’ve named it, let that be your compass.

Step 3 : Stick to “Facts + Feelings”

You don’t need a perfectly worded script. But you do need clarity.

Here’s a simple mantra to use while communicating : Facts + Feelings.

• Facts : What was the timeline of events // Who did what when?

• Feelings : “I feel confused / hurt / dismissed…”

Keep it simple. No blaming. No labeling. No over-explaining.

Then, while you’re speaking, make sure to :

• Stay aware of your body

• Allow sensations like heat or tightness to be there (without making it wrong that they are)

• Take a breath (or two or ten)

• And if you need a pause, say so. You’re allowed to regroup and return

Confidence doesn’t mean NEVER feeling emotional discomfort. It means holding yourself while that discomfort moves through.

Bonus Tip 1 : Out Your Inner Critic

Before the convo, pause and ask yourself :

“Is there a voice in me saying I don’t deserve to speak?”

You might hear thoughts like :

• “I’m probably overreacting.”

• “They won’t take me seriously.”

• “No one listens to me anyways.”

Here’s the key : Say those thoughts out loud. Literally (let your ears hear the words outside your head).

This gives your system a chance to hear what’s been looping in the background — and decide whether it actually belongs in the driver’s seat.

Spoiler : it doesn’t.

Bonus Tip 2 : Let Yourself Feel All the Feelings

Even the ones you wish weren’t there.

Because the more you pretend not to feel something, the more it ends up leaking into your tone, posture, and energy. You think you’re hiding it — but it’s showing up anyways.

Instead, allow it fully and freely, before the convo. Let yourself be human. When you do, that emotion is way less likely to run the show.

FINAL THOUGHTS :

Speaking up doesn’t require a flawless performance. It requires presence. Self-honesty. And the willingness to stay with yourself, even when it’s uncomfortable.

So the next time you feel the urge to speak up but start spiraling, remember this :

— You’re allowed to feel what you feel.
— You’re allowed to take up emotional space.
— And you can speak your truth — without exploding, over-explaining, or abandoning yourself in the process.

Ready to go deeper?
Before you speak up, you want to be really clear on what you're actually feeling. If you struggle to name your emotions or constantly get stuck in your head trying to figure them out, don’t miss this next read :

📚 How to Feel Your Feelings Without Overthinking

It’s a practical guide (with a free audio + workbook) to help you process emotions before they spill into the conversation. A must-read if you want to speak with more clarity, confidence, and self-trust.