Is Confidence A You Thing or a We Thing?

Some of the major founders and influencers of psychology (whose theories and ideas we still use to treat and diagnose people today, in 2024) were: 

• Wilhem Wundt

• William James

• Sigmund Freud

• B.F. Skinner

All white men.  

In the 1800s.

When women were considered property.

And weren’t allowed to vote. 

Or have their own voice .. or rights. 

Sit with that for a moment.

These men, while making contributions to their society and asking people to think about things in a new way, could still only speak from the collective understanding of human capacity at the time. 

And the collective understanding – did not think very highly of women.

Why does this matter?

This is enormously important to consider as you look at some of the terms you might place upon yourself today.  

Things like (among so many others): 

• Perfectionist

• Codependent 

• People-pleaser 

• Obsessing over 

These labels, while potentially helpful in gaining a more cohesive understanding of certain behaviors, all point to the individual doing the thing and not the larger environment that helps to create the space in which said thing is even possible.  

– If women were not seen as the lesser gender, would perfection be as important? 

– If men were not always considered the sole “breadwinner”, would codependent-esque behaviors have been necessary? 

–If women did not have to consistently show their value in society (beyond bearing children and keeping house), would people-pleasing behaviors have become prevalent? 

** Please note : these suggestions are not meant to be anywhere inclusive or exhaustive of the reasons why or how any gender individual strives for perfection or engages in codependent or people-pleasing behaviors 

Why is this important to think about? 

Because so often we think of confidence as an individual thing. 

She needs to increase her self-worth.

She should recognize her value! 

If she had a little bit more self-esteem, she’d surely have more confidence. 

Sure.  Those things are probably, in some ways, a little bit true; but what are they leaving out? 

Context. 

Context brings everything back to the larger picture.  

Context says that millennials today (those born between 1981 and 1996) were raised by parents who grew up in a time period where women weren’t allowed to have credit cards in their own names.  This means that women were quite literally dependent on a man in order to create // achieve // have access to .. financial independence

** if you’re wondering, the Equal Credit Opportunity Act (ECOA) was passed in the US in 1974 

Context shows that “on average female business owners receive less than half the level of investment their male counterparts get”.  This is from research published in 2018 (at the time of the writing of this blog post – that is only SIX years ago). (pg. 171 Invisible Women) 

** even though they produce more than twice the revenue 

Context says that millennials today were raised by parents (who had been raised by parents) who grew up in a time period where women could not vote

** the 19th amendment was passed in August of 1920 (in the US) which granted white women the ability to vote

** the Voting Rights Act was passed in 1965 (in the US), which, forty five years later, granted black women the ability to vote  

Context shows that in 2017, “an analysis of common text corpora found that female names and words (‘women’, ‘girl’, etc.) were more associated with family than career” (pg. 165 IW) 

** in case you were wondering, it was quite the opposite for men 

Context.  This shit was not that long ago.  At all.  

It is still in the air we breathe and the water we drink (and it was even more potent in the ways in which your parents (and their parents) moved throughout the world).

What context means for confidence

Can you entertain (even if just for a moment) that perhaps it might not be a confidence thing, but a larger, societal view of women as a whole as less-than, that is influencing how you think and feel about yourself (and therefore how you act in the world)? 

Please note : even though there is enormous truth to the question above, it in no way, shape, or form takes away from YOUR very real, very valid, lived experience and in no way, shape, or form means that what you’re feeling and experiencing in your body does not still deserve to be looked at, gotten curious about, and processed fully and completely so that you may feel as confident as you fucking want to

Want a chance to do that?  Schedule a call with me by reaching out here.